By the Western, American, or at least the Oberlin College definition, I am most likely NOT a feminist.
First, I do not find most benign comments, "sexist" jokes, or modern remnants of "antiquated, patriarchal traditions" (for example, wearing a veil at your wedding, taking your husband's last name, being escorted through a door and helped with your coat) offensive. One could potentially research the origin of many phrases or names for things or common habits and find an "offensive" history behind it. (Many would find the Russian language itself inherently sexist and homophobic). Second, I believe that men and women are physically, biologically, psychologically... just, logically... DIFFERENT, and that they should be. Do I believe men and women are equal? It depends on what aspect of life you are referring to. All people, regardless of gender, have strengths and weaknesses. Statistically, some activities are more of a strength for men and a weakness for women, and vice versa. I do believe in equal pay for equal work; this is just logic. A result is what it is, whether the work was done by a man or a woman.
I am a woman, I enjoy being feminine, looking and dressing feminine (for myself AND for a man I may be dating or interested in), and well... woman things.
So, I have decided to write a rather lengthy blog post today on what's probably a sensitive and controversial issue for some: the issue of being a woman in a traditional society. Of course, I am not subject to the same cultural norms as the locals, because I'm a foreigner and am only here temporarily, but I've still got a decent inside look. In this blog, I will reveal to you my perspective of what is known to be a VERY male-dominated, patriarchal society, and the complexities within it. I'll most likely explain things as a sort of champion of the Golden Middle, albeit in a rather politically incorrect way. So brace yourself :)
Also, I might add that using the words "Sex" and "Caucasus" in the title will probably get me twice the page hits as the rest of my entries.
Adyghe Habze (a word that means language/tradition/custom/way of being all combined) indeed defines specific gender roles. Historically, men were the warriors that defended their homeland, and women were the gentle homemakers. Today, now that most men are not fighting in any kind of battle, men are favored to go out and find leadership positions or more high-earning professions, while women are preferred to be more domestic or hold "softer" jobs. The problem is, that the economy of Russia and Adyghe Republic has a shortage of high-paying positions for non-oligarchic normal people, so one salary is never enough for a whole family to live on. This means that women are expected to take care of the home AND hold a job or two. In the context of more women pursuing careers, however, the expectation that women should be quiet, shy, modest, and submissive remains. Some women are wary of taking on a profession that involves a life that is too "public", as their husbands might get jealous.
So how does the Caucasian gender structure differ from that of other traditional societies? The difference mainly has to do with Caucasian men. Russians stereotype the local men as goryachy... or hot blooded, tempermental, easily sexually aroused... that sort of thing. It's something to do with the mountain air, warm sun, physical health and attractiveness of people... many reasons have been referenced. Judging by the behavior of my rowdy neighbors, the way local young men drive their cars, and the random messages I have gotten on Odnoklassniki... there is definitely some truth to this. This context not only shows how the patriarchal "The Man is Always Right" attitude has continued, but also shows how Caucasian women have continued on to show a constantly higher level of maturity, grace, cleverness, and emotional strength.
How on earth do I figure that? It's best to use the Lezginka itself as a metaphor. In this blog post that references Chechen folk dance, the Lezginka does an excellent job to explain the local gender interactions and the complexities below the surface:
To offend any woman, especially an elderly woman but young girls are counted as well, could result in her father, her brothers, her uncles, her cousins, you name it, the entire clan... all seeking to publicly shame you, or worse. Your life could be in danger, according to some.
Another thing I have noticed about Adyghe and other Caucasian women... I must admit, comes from my more sentimental, romantic side... is their sheer femininity and grace, and their beauty... not only their physical beauty, but their naturally beautiful way of carrying themselves. Their clothing is, for the most part, both modest and fashionable... meaning, it is purely elegant, without the need to show cleavage or too much thigh. Their clothing also looks so well taken care of... which frustrates me, as someone who really seems to wear out her clothes to the extent they look just frumpy, no matter how nice and expensive they are. They wear makeup, but know how to use it so it never looks smudged or caked-on or just... fake. They somehow never seem awkward or clumsy in their behavior. These observations may just be me feeling overly self conscious, but I really think there is something to be said for the way local women, especially young women, look, dress, and act. Perhaps Western women enjoy more freedom, but this freedom is accompanied by, in my opinion, too much comfort and casualness. I remember how in college I was sometimes mocked for wearing dresses and heels ("Who is she trying so hard to impress? Why can't she just wear jeans and sneakers like a normal person?") and feeling turned off by what I perceived as far-too-candid conversations (and even demonstrations!) by girls about their sexual experiences, bodily functions, and drunken stupors in front of young men. Again, this is just my opinion, but such topics, if they must be mentioned at all, should be left for one's closest, best friends of the same sex.
And now, I'm going to talk about sex. Or rather, virginity and marriage. I would give a warning here about "adult content", but I highly doubt that any child is reading this or has read this deep into my blog. So here we go.
Basically, the Virgin Bride is a standard. At first, this actually did surprise me. In most Western countries, saving one's virginity for marriage is assumed to be something that only really conservative, usually religious people do. Here, in Adyghe Republic especially, as I have mentioned before, the practice of Islam among the local population varies, but with the majority of people being only nominally Muslim. Since bridal virginity is not one of the Five Pillars of Islam, which most people don't even follow here anyway, why has it remained so important? The short answer that most people would give you is: "Tradition."
In this discussion on a YouTube show, the two major reasons why female virginity is still so highly valued across the globe (and while male virginity isn't so much). Paternal certainty, for one, and the alpha-male idea that the woman wouldn't.... compare his performance to others, and decide he doesn't... measure up.
Some traditional societies who uphold this standard are criticized by the West for the idea that being a Virgin Bride is all that a woman is good for. As I have described in my discussion above, in Adyghe society, this isn't really the case. I also wouldn't even imagine that it's a particular desire for local men... since deflowering your Virgin Bride is a thing that really can only happen once... and from a physical standpoint, also isn't necessarily the epitome of pleasure.
Here, the rationality behind this tradition has more to do with devotion, and about proper behavior. Concerning the idea of devotion to your husband, I do not have anything against this, in fact, I admire it and agree to a certain extent. Regarding virginity as a measure of proper behavior, however, I view it as logically flawed... for the specific reason of it being something to "measure."
Circassian culture, as well as the culture of other North Caucasus ethnicities, has been under assault by Russian and Western dominance, and so locals (understandably so) do what they can to preserve what they have. The problem as I see it lies when the preservation of culture is dependent on arbitrary, tangible things that can be measured. Maybe you can't measure how well someone speaks the language or how well they respect their elders, but you (or at least people think) can measure or determine whether a young woman's hymen has been broken before marriage. What does that say then, when someone appears to not be a virgin, just because she had done a lot of physical activity such as gymnastics? Or when someone appears to be a virgin, because she has had a certain kind of surgery (which DOES happen here)?
I'm going to once again be the advocate of the Golden Middle, and argue that real intimacy is not the same as promiscuity. Acting on sexual feelings where there is emotional connection, trust, and passion, is human nature... whether or not the idea of marital commitment down the road is certain or even realistic. This is not to justify the emotionless, empty "casual hookups" of the American college campuses. The local virginity standard, like other conservative mentalities that exist in the West, also comes with the argument that marriage should be more than sexual attraction; that is, you shouldn't marry someone just because you like having sex with them. Again, this theory is admirable and holds a good guideline, but when combined with the ultimate virginity standard and human nature... you get people who marry at 17 because they "just can't wait." This happens both here and in the West.
All I can say is, I don't even remember who I might have wanted to marry when I was 17, but I'm sure glad I didn't. In my opinion, people change too much in their 20s to marry that early.
Continuing a bit further on the subject of behavior standards for Caucasian women, it is worth mentioning that some ethnicities, or some clans that live mainly in the villages, hold this standard to more than just virginity. Some believe that it is not acceptable to kiss, hold hands, or even be alone with someone of the opposite sex until marriage. All courtship must take place by phone or over the internet. Although I'm sure that many are not hypocrites and may take the whole idea behind this practice seriously and don't want to discredit them entirely... but I'd be interested to know the amount of "sexting" that goes on in the region...
This all being said, the concept of only allowing "talking" before marriage is one that I cannot justify to myself; it is something that will remain foreign to me. It's not that there isn't a noble idea behind it; it's that it just seems to be against human nature... just as extreme feminism, that sees femininity as vice and a symbol of oppression also goes against human nature.
Personally, I am a strong advocate of the preservation of Adyghe customs and others from around the Caucasus that make each nationality unique, and I do see it as a shame that the number of people themselves and their customs against the background of everyday life in the Russian Federation have diminished... but if the main efforts to preserve a culture are from measurements of simpler, more tangible aspects that have to compete with human nature, I'm afraid the culture is already lost.
First, I do not find most benign comments, "sexist" jokes, or modern remnants of "antiquated, patriarchal traditions" (for example, wearing a veil at your wedding, taking your husband's last name, being escorted through a door and helped with your coat) offensive. One could potentially research the origin of many phrases or names for things or common habits and find an "offensive" history behind it. (Many would find the Russian language itself inherently sexist and homophobic). Second, I believe that men and women are physically, biologically, psychologically... just, logically... DIFFERENT, and that they should be. Do I believe men and women are equal? It depends on what aspect of life you are referring to. All people, regardless of gender, have strengths and weaknesses. Statistically, some activities are more of a strength for men and a weakness for women, and vice versa. I do believe in equal pay for equal work; this is just logic. A result is what it is, whether the work was done by a man or a woman.
I am a woman, I enjoy being feminine, looking and dressing feminine (for myself AND for a man I may be dating or interested in), and well... woman things.
So, I have decided to write a rather lengthy blog post today on what's probably a sensitive and controversial issue for some: the issue of being a woman in a traditional society. Of course, I am not subject to the same cultural norms as the locals, because I'm a foreigner and am only here temporarily, but I've still got a decent inside look. In this blog, I will reveal to you my perspective of what is known to be a VERY male-dominated, patriarchal society, and the complexities within it. I'll most likely explain things as a sort of champion of the Golden Middle, albeit in a rather politically incorrect way. So brace yourself :)
Also, I might add that using the words "Sex" and "Caucasus" in the title will probably get me twice the page hits as the rest of my entries.
Adyghe Habze (a word that means language/tradition/custom/way of being all combined) indeed defines specific gender roles. Historically, men were the warriors that defended their homeland, and women were the gentle homemakers. Today, now that most men are not fighting in any kind of battle, men are favored to go out and find leadership positions or more high-earning professions, while women are preferred to be more domestic or hold "softer" jobs. The problem is, that the economy of Russia and Adyghe Republic has a shortage of high-paying positions for non-oligarchic normal people, so one salary is never enough for a whole family to live on. This means that women are expected to take care of the home AND hold a job or two. In the context of more women pursuing careers, however, the expectation that women should be quiet, shy, modest, and submissive remains. Some women are wary of taking on a profession that involves a life that is too "public", as their husbands might get jealous.
So how does the Caucasian gender structure differ from that of other traditional societies? The difference mainly has to do with Caucasian men. Russians stereotype the local men as goryachy... or hot blooded, tempermental, easily sexually aroused... that sort of thing. It's something to do with the mountain air, warm sun, physical health and attractiveness of people... many reasons have been referenced. Judging by the behavior of my rowdy neighbors, the way local young men drive their cars, and the random messages I have gotten on Odnoklassniki... there is definitely some truth to this. This context not only shows how the patriarchal "The Man is Always Right" attitude has continued, but also shows how Caucasian women have continued on to show a constantly higher level of maturity, grace, cleverness, and emotional strength.
How on earth do I figure that? It's best to use the Lezginka itself as a metaphor. In this blog post that references Chechen folk dance, the Lezginka does an excellent job to explain the local gender interactions and the complexities below the surface:
"The man stamps and struts, while the woman glides. At first you think it is chauvinist, that the man is having all the fun, and that the woman is a chattel or an accessory for his enjoyment. But the more you watch and understand, the more you realise it is far more complex than that. The woman, by ignoring the man completely and dancing to herself while he flashes with all his macho art, can make him look ridiculous. By acknowledging a dancer who is enthusiastic but not skilful, she can make him glow with pride. It is a subtle and impressive interplay between the sexes, enjoyed by both men, women and even this spectator who has never been brave enough to join in."Women, by tradition, hold a different kind of power. If you look at it a certain way, this power is held above the power of men, no matter how much he says he is "always right about everything." According to an old Adyghe tradition, if two men are in a duel, a woman can drop her scarf between the two fighting men and they absolutely MUST stop. I'm not sure if this still holds true today, but I do know that the older women seem to be the most powerful figures around. One example of proof involves another episode from my beloved Chechen neighbors. Two men were having a very intense street fight, and one of them appeared to pull out a gun. Suddenly, a Babushka showed up, and the two men just backed off from each other and quietly walked away.
To offend any woman, especially an elderly woman but young girls are counted as well, could result in her father, her brothers, her uncles, her cousins, you name it, the entire clan... all seeking to publicly shame you, or worse. Your life could be in danger, according to some.
Another thing I have noticed about Adyghe and other Caucasian women... I must admit, comes from my more sentimental, romantic side... is their sheer femininity and grace, and their beauty... not only their physical beauty, but their naturally beautiful way of carrying themselves. Their clothing is, for the most part, both modest and fashionable... meaning, it is purely elegant, without the need to show cleavage or too much thigh. Their clothing also looks so well taken care of... which frustrates me, as someone who really seems to wear out her clothes to the extent they look just frumpy, no matter how nice and expensive they are. They wear makeup, but know how to use it so it never looks smudged or caked-on or just... fake. They somehow never seem awkward or clumsy in their behavior. These observations may just be me feeling overly self conscious, but I really think there is something to be said for the way local women, especially young women, look, dress, and act. Perhaps Western women enjoy more freedom, but this freedom is accompanied by, in my opinion, too much comfort and casualness. I remember how in college I was sometimes mocked for wearing dresses and heels ("Who is she trying so hard to impress? Why can't she just wear jeans and sneakers like a normal person?") and feeling turned off by what I perceived as far-too-candid conversations (and even demonstrations!) by girls about their sexual experiences, bodily functions, and drunken stupors in front of young men. Again, this is just my opinion, but such topics, if they must be mentioned at all, should be left for one's closest, best friends of the same sex.
And now, I'm going to talk about sex. Or rather, virginity and marriage. I would give a warning here about "adult content", but I highly doubt that any child is reading this or has read this deep into my blog. So here we go.
Basically, the Virgin Bride is a standard. At first, this actually did surprise me. In most Western countries, saving one's virginity for marriage is assumed to be something that only really conservative, usually religious people do. Here, in Adyghe Republic especially, as I have mentioned before, the practice of Islam among the local population varies, but with the majority of people being only nominally Muslim. Since bridal virginity is not one of the Five Pillars of Islam, which most people don't even follow here anyway, why has it remained so important? The short answer that most people would give you is: "Tradition."
In this discussion on a YouTube show, the two major reasons why female virginity is still so highly valued across the globe (and while male virginity isn't so much). Paternal certainty, for one, and the alpha-male idea that the woman wouldn't.... compare his performance to others, and decide he doesn't... measure up.
Some traditional societies who uphold this standard are criticized by the West for the idea that being a Virgin Bride is all that a woman is good for. As I have described in my discussion above, in Adyghe society, this isn't really the case. I also wouldn't even imagine that it's a particular desire for local men... since deflowering your Virgin Bride is a thing that really can only happen once... and from a physical standpoint, also isn't necessarily the epitome of pleasure.
Here, the rationality behind this tradition has more to do with devotion, and about proper behavior. Concerning the idea of devotion to your husband, I do not have anything against this, in fact, I admire it and agree to a certain extent. Regarding virginity as a measure of proper behavior, however, I view it as logically flawed... for the specific reason of it being something to "measure."
Circassian culture, as well as the culture of other North Caucasus ethnicities, has been under assault by Russian and Western dominance, and so locals (understandably so) do what they can to preserve what they have. The problem as I see it lies when the preservation of culture is dependent on arbitrary, tangible things that can be measured. Maybe you can't measure how well someone speaks the language or how well they respect their elders, but you (or at least people think) can measure or determine whether a young woman's hymen has been broken before marriage. What does that say then, when someone appears to not be a virgin, just because she had done a lot of physical activity such as gymnastics? Or when someone appears to be a virgin, because she has had a certain kind of surgery (which DOES happen here)?
I'm going to once again be the advocate of the Golden Middle, and argue that real intimacy is not the same as promiscuity. Acting on sexual feelings where there is emotional connection, trust, and passion, is human nature... whether or not the idea of marital commitment down the road is certain or even realistic. This is not to justify the emotionless, empty "casual hookups" of the American college campuses. The local virginity standard, like other conservative mentalities that exist in the West, also comes with the argument that marriage should be more than sexual attraction; that is, you shouldn't marry someone just because you like having sex with them. Again, this theory is admirable and holds a good guideline, but when combined with the ultimate virginity standard and human nature... you get people who marry at 17 because they "just can't wait." This happens both here and in the West.
All I can say is, I don't even remember who I might have wanted to marry when I was 17, but I'm sure glad I didn't. In my opinion, people change too much in their 20s to marry that early.
Continuing a bit further on the subject of behavior standards for Caucasian women, it is worth mentioning that some ethnicities, or some clans that live mainly in the villages, hold this standard to more than just virginity. Some believe that it is not acceptable to kiss, hold hands, or even be alone with someone of the opposite sex until marriage. All courtship must take place by phone or over the internet. Although I'm sure that many are not hypocrites and may take the whole idea behind this practice seriously and don't want to discredit them entirely... but I'd be interested to know the amount of "sexting" that goes on in the region...
This all being said, the concept of only allowing "talking" before marriage is one that I cannot justify to myself; it is something that will remain foreign to me. It's not that there isn't a noble idea behind it; it's that it just seems to be against human nature... just as extreme feminism, that sees femininity as vice and a symbol of oppression also goes against human nature.
Personally, I am a strong advocate of the preservation of Adyghe customs and others from around the Caucasus that make each nationality unique, and I do see it as a shame that the number of people themselves and their customs against the background of everyday life in the Russian Federation have diminished... but if the main efforts to preserve a culture are from measurements of simpler, more tangible aspects that have to compete with human nature, I'm afraid the culture is already lost.
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