On Women, Gender, Sex, and Relationships in the North Caucasus

By the Western, American, or at least the Oberlin College definition, I am most likely NOT a feminist.
First, I do not find most benign comments, "sexist" jokes, or modern remnants of "antiquated, patriarchal traditions" (for example, wearing a veil at your wedding, taking your husband's last name, being escorted through a door and helped with your coat) offensive. One could potentially research the origin of many phrases or names for things or common habits and find an "offensive" history behind it. (Many would find the Russian language itself inherently sexist and homophobic). Second, I believe that men and women are physically, biologically, psychologically... just, logically... DIFFERENT, and that they should be. Do I believe men and women are equal? It depends on what aspect of life you are referring to. All people, regardless of gender, have strengths and weaknesses. Statistically, some activities are more of a strength for men and a weakness for women, and vice versa. I do believe in equal pay for equal work; this is just logic. A result is what it is, whether the work was done by a man or a woman.
I am a woman, I enjoy being feminine, looking and dressing feminine (for myself AND for a man I may be dating or interested in), and well... woman things.

So, I have decided to write a rather lengthy blog post today on what's probably a sensitive and controversial issue for some: the issue of being a woman in a traditional society. Of course, I am not subject to the same cultural norms as the locals, because I'm a foreigner and am only here temporarily, but I've still got a decent inside look. In this blog, I will reveal to you my perspective of what is known to be a VERY male-dominated, patriarchal society, and the complexities within it. I'll most likely explain things as a sort of champion of the Golden Middle, albeit in a rather politically incorrect way. So brace yourself :)
Also, I might add that using the words "Sex" and "Caucasus" in the title will probably get me twice the page hits as the rest of my entries.

Adyghe Habze (a word that means language/tradition/custom/way of being all combined) indeed defines specific gender roles. Historically, men were the warriors that defended their homeland, and women were the gentle homemakers. Today, now that most men are not  fighting in any kind of battle, men are favored to go out and find leadership positions or more high-earning professions, while women are preferred to be more domestic or hold "softer" jobs. The problem is, that the economy of Russia and Adyghe Republic has a shortage of high-paying positions for non-oligarchic normal people, so one salary is never enough for a whole family to live on. This means that women are expected to take care of the home AND hold a job or two. In the context of more women pursuing careers, however, the expectation that women should be quiet, shy, modest, and submissive remains. Some women are wary of taking on a profession that involves a life that is too "public", as their husbands might get jealous.
So how does the Caucasian gender structure differ from that of other traditional societies? The difference mainly has to do with Caucasian men. Russians stereotype the local men as goryachy... or hot blooded, tempermental, easily sexually aroused... that sort of thing. It's something to do with the mountain air, warm sun, physical health and attractiveness of people... many reasons have been referenced. Judging by the behavior of my rowdy neighbors, the way local young men drive their cars, and the random messages I have gotten on Odnoklassniki... there is definitely some truth to this. This context not only shows how the patriarchal "The Man is Always Right" attitude has continued, but also shows how Caucasian women have continued on to show a constantly higher level of maturity, grace, cleverness, and emotional strength.

How on earth do I figure that? It's best to use the Lezginka itself as a metaphor. In this blog post that references Chechen folk dance, the Lezginka does an excellent job to explain the local gender interactions and the complexities below the surface:

"The man stamps and struts, while the woman glides. At first you think it is chauvinist, that the man is having all the fun, and that the woman is a chattel or an accessory for his enjoyment. But the more you watch and understand, the more you realise it is far more complex than that. The woman, by ignoring the man completely and dancing to herself while he flashes with all his macho art, can make him look ridiculous. By acknowledging a dancer who is enthusiastic but not skilful, she can make him glow with pride. It is a subtle and impressive interplay between the sexes, enjoyed by both men, women and even this spectator who has never been brave enough to join in."

 Women, by tradition, hold a different kind of power. If you look at it a certain way, this power is held above the power of men, no matter how much he says he is "always right about everything." According to an old Adyghe tradition, if two men are in a duel, a woman can drop her scarf between the two fighting men and they absolutely MUST stop. I'm not sure if this still holds true today, but I do know that the older women seem to be the most powerful figures around. One example of proof involves another episode from my beloved Chechen neighbors. Two men were having a very intense street fight, and one of them appeared to pull out a gun. Suddenly, a Babushka showed up, and the two men just backed off from each other and quietly walked away.
To offend any woman, especially an elderly woman but young girls are counted as well, could result in her father, her brothers, her uncles, her cousins, you name it, the entire clan... all seeking to publicly shame you, or worse. Your life could be in danger, according to some.

Another thing I have noticed about Adyghe and other Caucasian women... I must admit, comes from my more sentimental, romantic side... is their sheer femininity and grace, and their beauty... not only their physical beauty, but their naturally beautiful way of carrying themselves. Their clothing is, for the most part, both modest and fashionable... meaning, it is purely elegant, without the need to show cleavage or too much thigh. Their clothing also looks so well taken care of... which frustrates me, as someone who really seems to wear out her clothes to the extent they look just frumpy, no matter how nice and expensive they are. They wear makeup, but know how to use it so it never looks smudged or caked-on or just... fake. They somehow never seem awkward or clumsy in their behavior. These observations may just be me feeling overly self conscious, but I really think there is something to be said for the way local women, especially young women, look, dress, and act. Perhaps Western women enjoy more freedom, but this freedom is accompanied by, in my opinion, too much comfort and casualness. I remember how in college I was sometimes mocked for wearing dresses and heels ("Who is she trying so hard to impress? Why can't she just wear jeans and sneakers like a normal person?") and feeling turned off by what I perceived as far-too-candid conversations (and even demonstrations!) by girls about their sexual experiences, bodily functions, and drunken stupors in front of young men. Again, this is just my opinion, but such topics, if they must be mentioned at all, should be left for one's closest, best friends of the same sex.

And now, I'm going to talk about sex. Or rather, virginity and marriage. I would give a warning here about "adult content", but I highly doubt that any child is reading this or has read this deep into my blog. So here we go.
Basically, the Virgin Bride is a standard. At first, this actually did surprise me. In most Western countries, saving one's virginity for marriage is assumed to be something that only really conservative, usually religious people do. Here, in Adyghe Republic especially, as I have mentioned before, the practice of Islam among the local population varies, but with the majority of people being only nominally Muslim. Since bridal virginity is not one of the Five Pillars of Islam, which most people don't even follow here anyway, why has it remained so important? The short answer that most people would give you is: "Tradition."
In this discussion on a YouTube show, the two major reasons why female virginity is still so highly valued across the globe (and while male virginity isn't so much). Paternal certainty, for one, and the alpha-male idea that the woman wouldn't.... compare his performance to others, and decide he doesn't... measure up.
Some traditional societies who uphold this standard are criticized by the West for the idea that being a Virgin Bride is all that a woman is good for. As I have described in my discussion above, in Adyghe society, this isn't really the case. I also wouldn't even imagine that it's a particular desire for local men... since deflowering your Virgin Bride is a thing that really can only happen once... and from a physical standpoint, also isn't necessarily the epitome of pleasure.
Here, the rationality behind this tradition has more to do with devotion, and about proper behavior. Concerning the idea of devotion to your husband, I do not have anything against this, in fact, I admire it and agree to a certain extent. Regarding virginity as a measure of proper behavior, however, I view it as logically flawed... for the specific reason of it being something to "measure."
Circassian culture, as well as the culture of other North Caucasus ethnicities, has been under assault by Russian and Western dominance, and so locals (understandably so) do what they can to preserve what they have. The problem as I see it lies when the preservation of culture is dependent on arbitrary, tangible things that can be measured. Maybe you can't measure how well someone speaks the language or how well they respect their elders, but you (or at least people think) can measure or determine whether a young woman's hymen has been broken before marriage. What does that say then, when someone appears to not be a virgin, just because she had done a lot of physical activity such as gymnastics? Or when someone appears to be a virgin, because she has had a certain kind of surgery (which DOES happen here)?

I'm going to once again be the advocate of the Golden Middle, and argue that real intimacy is not the same as promiscuity. Acting on sexual feelings where there is emotional connection, trust, and passion, is human nature... whether or not the idea of marital commitment down the road is certain or even realistic. This is not to justify the emotionless, empty "casual hookups" of the American college campuses. The local virginity standard, like other conservative mentalities that exist in the West, also comes with the argument that marriage should be more than sexual attraction; that is, you shouldn't marry someone just because you like having sex with them. Again, this theory is admirable and holds a good guideline, but when combined with the ultimate virginity standard and human nature... you get people who marry at 17 because they "just can't wait." This happens both here and in the West.
All I can say is, I don't even remember who I might have wanted to marry when I was 17, but I'm sure glad I didn't. In my opinion, people change too much in their 20s to marry that early.

Continuing a bit further on the subject of behavior standards for Caucasian women, it is worth mentioning that some ethnicities, or some clans that live mainly in the villages, hold this standard to more than just virginity. Some believe that it is not acceptable to kiss, hold hands, or even be alone with someone of the opposite sex until marriage. All courtship must take place by phone or over the internet. Although I'm sure that many are not hypocrites and may take the whole idea behind this practice seriously and don't want to discredit them entirely... but I'd be interested to know the amount of "sexting" that goes on in the region...
This all being said, the concept of only allowing "talking" before marriage is one that I cannot justify to myself; it is something that will remain foreign to me. It's not that there isn't a noble idea behind it; it's that it just seems to be against human nature... just as extreme feminism, that sees femininity as vice and a symbol of oppression also goes against human nature.

Personally, I am a strong advocate of the preservation of Adyghe customs and others from around the Caucasus that make each nationality unique, and I do see it as a shame that the number of people themselves and their customs against the background of everyday life in the Russian Federation have diminished... but if the main efforts to preserve a culture are from measurements of simpler, more tangible aspects that have to compete with human nature, I'm afraid the culture is already lost.

Adventures

In Russia, the month of May, somewhat like January, is hardly a productive month. On paper, there is to be business as usual with the exception of the days surrounding International Workers' Day (May 1) and Victory Day (May 9). In reality, Russians are quite susceptible to holiday inertia, and it pretty much takes until the end of the month to really get the ball rolling again. The people here in the South are even more this way.
I remember last year not traveling anywhere for May holidays, mainly because of the inconvenient schedule given by the university (somewhere along the lines of two days off, then two days of class, a day off that was to be made up on Saturday which everyone hates, then three days off, then back to work again). This had been a mistake, because everyone else seemed to leave town anyway, while I was left alone. This year was not the case. This year's May Break contained some adventures.

For the first half of the holidays, my friend Rachel, a Fulbright ETA in Astrakhan this year came down by car with her Russian friend Vadim. The first day they were here, I figured we'd take advantage of the fact that he had his own car and we could finally go to Lago-Naki, the mountain that everyone tells me I must go to but never actually wants to go to themselves. On the road, however, we apparently missed a major road sign, and instead ended up in a resort town called Guzeripl. There was not much to do besides just walk around the area; in order to really hike, you have to start early in the morning.
The next day, however, we took off for the weekend to go camping. We drove further south through Apsheronsk region of Krasnodar Krai, to another place I had been to before, Guamka Canyon. I had never been hiking around this area before, so we decided to plan our route and spend the next few nights camping. An old man at the bottom of the mountain told us of a seemingly straightforward route and directed us to camp overnight at the river. The trail ended up being nothing like the old man had said... in fact, it kind of just disappeared. Eventually we were just scraping through the woods in the general direction "UP", figuring that when we got to the top of the mountain, it would all make sense. As one might expect, this was easier said than done. When we eventually DID find another trail on the way down, it was such that any wrong step would cause an avalanche of rocks to fall on top of us.... all this added to the fact that the majority of the hike was at a steep, 70 degree angle, whether up or down. We ended up spending the night in a cave on the edge of a cliff.
Vadim, who could not find the right words or was too shy to try to speak to us in English, could still impressively understand almost all of what Rachel and I were talking about... from our beloved Fulbright director Oksana to liberal arts colleges to the Caucasus to 1990s nostalgia... some things just cannot be expressed so well in Russian, no matter how well we know the language. Vadim mentioned, on many occasions, that I seemed to him (for better or for worse) like a local, and that I had "spent too much time in the Caucasus." I'm not sure what to make of that...
Our last day on the road trip took us to Dzhubga, a town on the Black Sea. The driving there was in itself an adventure; there was absolutely no such thing as a straight road. All the roads took hairpin turns around mountains with steep cliffs that didn't really have any kind of railing, and that at any time could turn into a Priora racing ground for careless young men from Dagestan. Dzhubga (which in Adyghe means "wind") was a nice, relaxing Black Sea town, but we didn't really see much of it before we set up camp. To be honest, the Black Sea is not exactly a beautiful vacation spot. The water is dirty and full of garbage (and this being before the actual tourist season, when apparently once can't even find a few empty square inches on the beach to rest), and absolutely teeming with jellyfish. I wasn't sure if they were the kind of jellyfish that sting or not, but I wasn't about to find out.
The next day, we drove back to Maykop, where I would shower, rest, and have one morning class before taking off for May Break Adventure, Part II.

Well, I guess I wouldn't call this trip an "adventure" in the same was as the camping trip. It was definitely more low-key and relaxing. I was invited back to Kosh-habl (Timur's aul), in Karachaievo-Cherkessia Republic. I had to take the bus over alone, because I was expected to participate in a concert that morning and Timur had class and would get a ride from his friend in the evening. The ride was fine, even though there was a checkpoint. I was anticipating the awkwardness of flashing an American passport around the marshrutka, where I prefer to be silent and inconspicuous... but the border patrol didn't even open my passport. He just saw the cover, (I have a generic maroon passport cover that just says "Passport") figured it was an international passport of some kind or other and gave it right back to me. He seriously didn't even open it to see where I was from. Fine with me.
When I got in to Kosh-habl, Timur's mother Zarema met me and her colleague drove us to the nearby aul Habez (I also happen to have another friend from this aul) to watch a concert. At the end of the concert, I was told, unexpectedly, to "Get up on stage and sing that song in Kabardian." I guess it sounded all right, because people gave me flowers, called me what I guess meant an Honorary Adyghe Pshashe and took me to an elaborate dinner.
For most of the week, I went around with Zarema to visit with the neighbors while Timur slept all day. The neighbors we visited the most were a kindly woman named "Auntie Fatima", who lived with her mother, a frail babushka nearly 90 years old with striking blue eyes. The old woman didn't seem to understand Russian, or to be able to speak at all, so I talked only briefly to her with my oh-so-extensive Kabardian-Circassian vocabulary.
Another neighbor who visited us was Ludmila, (she's also Circassian but with a Russian first name) who told me all about her twelve-years-and-counting Skype romance with a British man named Richard. Her English was impressive; she was obviously eager for practice with another native speaker.

The Kardanov house hospitality was enough to make a bit uncomfortable at first. I originally did not want to come, figuring that I would be another financial burden, but Zarema just would not hear of it. She also just would not hear of me refusing food at any time. As usual, no one would allow this to happen. It didn't matter that I just had lunch with Zarema, then went to a neighbor's for "tea" which is accompanied by more food than I would usually consider a meal, and then left just in time to come back for dinner. Each time, I was told that I would not be allowed up from my seat until I cleaned my plate. Once, Zarema asked me, "Why don't you eat as much as Timur does?" I couldn't help but laugh. I don't know... maybe because TIMUR is a GUY and he's CAUCASIAN and SIX FOOT FIVE?!
My parents had suggested that I give some kind of nice, expensive gift or help out in some way financially... but this is just not acceptable from a guest in the Caucasus. It would actually be taken as an insult. Eventually, I ended up doing my part by helping out a lot in the garden. (Normally, a guest is not permitted to do any kind of work, but at this point I was not really considered a "guest" but like "family"). Even Timur helped out considerably as there was a lot of work to do. At last he stopped being lazy and did something to justify his enormous appetite. Zarema has many, many animals to take care of... several turkeys including many newly hatched, two dogs, two adult cats and a poor little one-eyed kitten named Odnoglazik.
On our last day, I went in to Zarema's work at the studio to give an interview. I recited poetry and sang two songs in Adyghe and Kabardian, and talked about my impressions of Circassian people and culture, the North Caucasus and how I got here. It will be (or may already have been) aired on Karachai-Cherkessia Republic television this week. The interview went well I think, it was in Russian and Circassian. Only two things sort of bothered me with the result. First, that I was told to say to the cameras, "The North Caucasus is a peaceful and safe and stable place." Second, my hair looked absolutely horrible.

On Monday morning, Timur and I left the same way we did back in January- at 5 am with his truck driver friend Kazbek. This time, the sun was already on the rise, and we could see Mount Elbrus from the highway.  The ride was free (Almost. Kazbek took us to Labinsk where we got the bus back to Maykop) and we basically slept the whole way, but we were glad to get back to the dormitory. It's been enough traveling for a while. The next big trip I make, I imagine, will be back to the USA. 

More serious thoughts..

It's been a while, I know, but first I feel I should discuss some aspects of life here in the context of the Boston Marathon terrorist attack. I must say, hearing about who the suspects were was bizarrely ironic. As soon as the pictures of the Tsarnaev brothers were released, pretty much everyone was asking (whether they like to admit it or not), "Are they Muslim or White?"
As it turns out, they were both.
As a matter of fact, I sort of guessed that from the beginning, seeing the pictures, I thought to myself, "They actually look Chechen"- it not occurring to me that they could actually BE Chechen. What do Chechens have to do with Boston anyway?
Well, what do you know. I log into Facebook and see people who aren't me, posting articles about Chechnya.
The general discussion now, among Americans, is how much the Tsarnaev brothers actually had anything to do with the situation in Chechnya- which is apparently next to nothing.
Here though, the discussion is different. It is about how Americans are now going to crack down hard against the wrong kind of Caucasians. As far as it affects me, I've broken the news to Timur and his family about the near impossibility of his ever obtaining a visa.
In general, while in Russia, I avoid the subject of American tragedies. Last year, I made the mistake of talking about September 11th to the Vice-Governor of Chelyabinsk, and the first thing he asked was whether or not I knew the "truth" about the Twin Towers, that it was all pre-organized by the Bush administration!
It turns out that most people here believe in these kinds of "conspiracy theories." One university worker even went as far as to suggest that the mass shootings of this year were planned by the Obama administration in order to gain support for gun legislation. Even the most otherwise reasonably-minded people expressed that they believed the government or the CIA was behind every known terrorist attack or other tragedy that has taken place on American soil. I have come to not let this bother me so much, as I found out that the reason was that they expect the same kind of behavior from their OWN government. I also reassure them, that I of course do not believe everything I read or hear from our news sources. "Americans believe what they want to believe, or what is simplest for them to understand," I was told.
It is also not a good idea even to mention such terrorist attacks simply to mourn the victims. A response would be, that in Boston, three people died, but in Syria, such events are happening on a weekly basis, and the whole world doesn't make such a fuss... let alone the American-instigated drone strikes in northern Pakistan. Yes, 28 died in Sandy Hook, but comparable massacres have happened over the years in Nalchik and Vladikavkaz, to which the news media responds with simply attributing these attacks to "militants and bandits," without a months-long public psychoanalysis and solidified notoriety of the perpetrator.
My response? A tragedy is a tragedy, whether it happens to three or three thousand people- in the urban US or in the North Caucasus- civilian lives are lost. Of course, debate will continue as to what preventive measures should be taken... but as far as our reaction goes, to solidify the fame of the perpetrators- plastering their names and photographs everywhere, essentially immortalizing them- do we really think that, in a sick way, this isn't what they really wanted? That it wouldn't encourage other losers to do the same?
And yes, I realize that just now I have only contributed to the problem.

Another thing I feel I should mention is the local practice of Islam. Of course, now I am making the same mistake as the American news media, by discussing Islam right after mentioning terrorism, but its relevance to this region is worth telling about. The younger Chechen brother was known to have not really practiced his religion at all. This is also definitely true of some of the people I know here- although there really is no way to describe what is the "Adyghe practice of Islam." If I were to make a generalization, I would say the more a person talks about Islam, the less they actually adhere to it. There are some that are polar opposites. One of my friends, for example, to whom practicing Islam is very important, very rarely talks about religion or criticizes others from a religious standpoint. She dresses more or less conservatively (although doesn't ever wear hejab), maintains Islamic and Caucasian standards of family relations and respect for elders- but the more superficial (in my opinion) aspects, such as whether or not your hair is covered or what music you listen to- do not dictate her life. On the other hand, I've seen plenty an Adyghe or other Caucasian man, leaning upon their cars adorned with "ALLAH" pendants hanging from the mirrors, while greeting their friends with "salaam alaikum," while drinking a beer.
Still another person I know follows Islam to the most (as we would consider) the most fundamental, strict interpretation. Dressed in complete hejab, she dreams of becoming an Arabic teacher in a local madrassa. And then there are those who seem to be more or less "Muslim, by Adyghe/North Caucasian ethnicity, but we don't really know what we're supposed to do with that." (We're not supposed to have pork shashlik and drink wine?) In short, the locals in Adygeya practice their religion like Western Christians do. Все по разному. It varies. For the most part, it's something that is mainly tied to one's ethnicity. The Adyghe people have been Muslim for only a few centuries. Before that, they were Christian for a brief period, and  before that, they were pagan. Many pagan traditions remain in Adyghe/Circassian culture, such as anything related to the Nart legends. Basically, this history could leave anyone religiously confused.